These will put a smile on your face

I promised I would take a break from commenting on all of the negativity that is currently occurring in the world.  These quotes always seem to put a smile on my face.  I didn’t come up with these, nor am I taking credit for any of them, I just find them comical and entertaining.  I hope you do too.  Enjoy.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. (that one is for Billy)

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year

These are from my main man George W.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them
I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub

You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.

It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.

The thing that’s wrong with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur

Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness

I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.

There’s an old saying in Tennessee –or is it Texas, probably Tennessee…that says, fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.

And I would have to say that this last one embodies everything I think about everyone else’s opinion…

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

If you aren’t smiling now, you might want to check your pulse.

About thedailyheard

Just a guy with an opinion and some time on my hands trying to find out where the sidewalk really does end.

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