I recently drove home from Vegas for Christmas, and then Tahoe for New Years and the same phenomenon seemed to plague the road….bad driving!
You know the people i am speaking of; the texters, the minivan men, the really supped up Honda import cars that can’t seem to get out of second gear, and of course the “I have to drive the posted speed limit” people.
Look, I am not saying that you need to break the law, but get the fuck out of my way so that I can! I don’t mean to be so angry, but these people jeopardize my safety and occupy my time turning a 30 minute trip into an hour and a half endeavor. There are many forms of public transportation that these miscreant drivers can utilize other than the roadways. There’s the bus, the train system, carpooling (letting another person with more driving skills than they possess, drive), roller blades, bicycles (see China, Amsterdam, Vietnam), or walking.
The funny thing is that I was once told that the most public form of public transportation is our freeways and roadways. When you think about it, it is totally the truth. Anyone can get a drivers license (it seems to me that they are handing them out with the regularity of herpes in an army barracks, and with the same kind of screening process), jump into an automobile, and pull out onto the road and join the network of commuters we call traffic.
The problem arises from the mindset that people have when they get into their vehicles. I guess it is just a reflection of our self-indulged, selfish society, but people think as soon as they step into their rides they are alone in their own little “bubbles”. The truth is that they are actually joining a delicately balanced network of nomads desperately trying to safely make it to their respective oases. Unfortunately, they are all operating 2 tons of metal and gas that can be a useful tool of transport or a death causing incendiary mechanism when driven incorrectly.
Listen up people, the reason that men are better drivers than women, and no this does not apply to all men, most you can’t drive either, is because driving is like dating a woman….it’s a FULL TIME JOB! Men are used to dealing all kinds of little annoying problems and decisions that you don’t wan to bother yourselves with. You need to be constantly concerned not only with what you are doing, but with all the drivers around you. You need to be aware of where you are on the road, are their stop lights, schools, heavy traffic, on-ramps, carpool lanes, weird off ramps, and any other of the wide array of situations that make the intricacies of driving-well a skill and not a right. As a good driver you need to be aware of all the things that are happening around you AND have already decided your course of action before the situation arises, even if it never does.
I know this is hard work, but if you constantly practice this method of good driving then it becomes second nature and you don’t have to concentrate on trying to do it, you just will. Now as I was driving I made a list of rules and of observations And what kind of person would I be if I wasn’t willing to share them with you.
6 Rules of the Road
1. If you drive a minivan, you have forfeited all rights to travel in the far left lane, except to pass another minivan that is going slower than you. And then you must promptly return to the right lane.
2. If you see a car coming up fast behind you and there is an opportunity to safely get over, GET OVER. There is no reason to impede someone else’s progress because you feel some inalienable right to travel at exactly 55 mph.
3. If you are traveling in the left most lane and you are driving the same speed as the car next to you, get over. You are taking up space. Yes, it is your right to travel on the road as well, but you must also be considerate of the commuters around you.
4. Just because I pass you it is not an attack on your manhood. It is not an invitation to race me, I just want to get where I am going faster than you. So just get over, and deal with it.
5. If you are traveling in the left most lane and cars are passing you by in the right lane, which is a sign that you need to get over so that the rest of the free world may go by you. YOU are the cause of traffic jams, road rage, and accidents from people trying to get around you. When you realize that you are not alone in your self-absorbed, myopic bubble you call your car get over.
6. If you want to make a phone call, text someone, apply makeup, find a CD in your glove compartment, read the newspaper, smoke a bowl, play with your tea cup yorkie, (insert anything but drive your call)…PULL the FUCK over!
• Fat people drive like they walk, sluggish and unimpeded with no consideration for anyone. Buy bigger cars!
• The smallest most unconfident drivers drive the largest tank-like cars… poorly I might add
• Asian girls like to put 5000 stuffed animals in their back windows. Keep the menagerie at home ladies.
• Hispanics and Asians love to hang chandeliers from their rear view mirrors. Yeah, I’m proud of you for believing in some religion or graduating high school, but the reason you have 5 accidents by the time your 19 is because you can’t see past the pagoda hanging in the middle of your windshield.
• Most men think that if you make eye contact with them and then pass them, you are trying to reenact some scene from 2 Fast 2 Furious. Guess what dip shit? You’re not Paul Walker and I’m not Vin Diesel. Worry about your passed out wife or GF’s safety in the passenger seat, the kids in the backseat, you missing 2 weeks of work when you’re in the hospital after crashing your car, or any number of unfortunate things that can happen trying to prove that your car can travel faster than mine. By the way, it can’t.
I really hope you don’t think that these are the angry ranting of a reformed driver with road rage. I am actually just a concerned citizen. In my estimation I am a brilliant driver, I drive fast, I drive with confidence and with a purpose…to get to my destination quickly and safely. But I also understand that I am sharing the road with others, and because of that I am conscientious and considerate to those people. Please do the same or stay your dumbass off the road!