My first wish is for Katherine Hiegel to stop making movies. I don’t understand how this woman is a star. She isn’t pretty, she isn’t a good actress, her body is quite non descript, she is just an average talentless, blonde chick. I guess there is a draw for that, how else could you explain Drew Barrymore’s success. But her movies are just dreadful. Starting from the beginning when she played Casey Rybek’s niece in Under Siege 2 up until she played opposite Ashton Kutcher in the horribly executed, unfunny movie Killers. They killed it all right. The movie stunk up the screen like a dead body.
In 2012 I am also hoping for an uprising that begins in the voting booths across America and ends with the ousting of the majority of the Republican criminals that are in Congress. That’s it. I just want Americans to say “Enough!” and they can do that in the voting booths in November.
I hope in 2012 we can all live in a Kardashian-free world. I can’t assert this enough, there is no reason on Earth Kim or any one in the family should be famous. I don’t understand how a whore who was in a sex video became a celebrity? She wasn’t even a good lay in the homemade sex film. This whole family, with the exception of the 2 outsiders, Lamar Odom and Bruce Jenner, needs to be dropped into the deepest, darkest trench at the bottom of the ocean.
I want to watch a television show without it being interrupted in the middle of a scene by one of those stupid pop-up commercials for whatever is playing on the network later that night. I am in the middle of watching something on your network already, let me enjoy the show, dicks. When they first started doing this with the small little emblems in the corner of the channel, I thought to myself, “Wow, this is mildly annoying. I hope it doesn’t progress further than this.” But now they have full on commercials occupying the majority of the screen while the other show continues to play. WTF networks, isn’t that why there are commercial breaks?! This is partly what is wrong with America. We have no attention span or follow through. I want to finish watching what I started watching. That is all. The showing of the rest of their TV lineup for the night interrupting and making me miss what I am currently watching is equivalent to Pizza Hut delivering and forcing me to eat a slice of pizza right after I have taken a bite of my Double Double (what? I have corporate sponsorship too). And then when I give into eating the slice of pizza, a taco truck shows up forcing me to eat that instead of the pizza. I mean, for Christ’s sake, let me finish what I started before you try to shove something else down my throat. I’m not Jay Z. I’m not “On to the next one.”
I resolve to no longer shake my head in disbelief, my mouth agape in shock, and restraining myself from boiling over into a rage filled tirade when someone does something stupid on the road. I should know better and expect that everyone is so preoccupied in their own self-indulgent worlds to care about the safety of those around them or to follow proper road etiquette. Instead of losing any more years of my life from stress caused as a result of vehicular stupidity, I will just accept that everyone in America has about as much a chance of driving courteously and safely that J Lo’s fat ass has of fitting into a size 0 pair of jeans.
I want an end to the East coast bias in college sports. We can start by devising some kind of new ranking system that doesn’t allow for all the teams in the SEC or ACC to be ranked in the top 25 preseason. That seems to happen every year, and when it does these teams never seem to fall too far out of their high rankings when they lose. Second, coaches and writers need to stay up and watch the west coast games. How are they going to vote for something they haven’t actually witnessed themselves? Letting a 30 second hi-light on Sports Center be your guide for voting is an asinine process for ranking teams. It would be like if the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for Acting didn’t watch all of the movies and performances before handing out the Oscars. Oops, they don’t, bad example. I just want the sacrifice these kids make in the gym, on the field, and in the classroom to count for something whether they are playing on the East coast or West coast, in a mid-major or in a major conference. The best deserve to play the best, and the fans deserve to watch those games.
I would like UCLA to recruit and sign a quarterback who knows how to play the position of quarterback. We thankfully have a new coach at UCLA in Jim Mora and with him, new hope on the horizon. The Neuhiesel experiment finally came to its conclusion at the end of the season when he was fired for his dismal performance for his dreadful 4-year stint in Westwood. I only hope that the cupboard wasn’t left too bare for Mora to rebuild and revitalize a program with a rich history and a great tradition. Gooooooo Bruins!
I resolve that in the new year I will only eat foods that are made from, include in them, look like, or taste like bacon. I think that there is not enough bacon in all of our diets. Why must bacon be tied to one meal time, breakfast? Bacon can accentuate any dish, at any time, with any set of ingredients. A burger is good. Add some bacon to it, bam, now it’s great. Fix a salad. Sprinkle some bacon on it. Snap, instantly delicious. Plate of bacon. Put some more bacon on that plate. POW! It’s now a masterpiece. It’s even great in a beverage. I have been secretly experimenting with a bacon-flavored cocktail, but alas the test results were less than stellar. But I will not let that failure deter my quest for a complete and total bacon diet. Buck up campers, there is hope. I have heard tell of a bacon bloody Mary beverage, and I am working on some sort of hybrid of the drink since I don’t particularly care for bloody Marys.
My final wish would be for the world around me to return back to its normal disfuncitonality. The people around me lately have lost their mother fucking minds. Everyone seems to have ordered a double shot of crazy juice. It is definitely a sign of the impending apocalypse if I am the voice of reason. Which, I have had to be many times over with my friends, family, and even with complete strangers. I hope that the Mayans were wrong about the end coming in 2012, because I still have a lot of living left to do. But if people don’t get their shit together, if fools like the Kardashians are still who we look to for celebrity and fashion, and if GOP bigots like Cantor, Gingrich, and Boehner continue to choke the life out of working class Americans, then maybe we should look forward to the doom and gloom the Mayans predicted. But then what the hell did they know? They couldn’t even predict how their dealings with the Spanish were going to turn out. “Si-fo-lis you say?!? Hmm, sounds great. Where can we get some?”